That's the sound my thoughts are making as they roll around my head. I've got so many of them up there, you'd think there would be no room. So either that means there's more space in my brain that I thought (of course, meaning my brain is bigger!) or maybe my thoughts are smaller than they seem to me?
*chuckle* It's scary the way my mind works sometimes...
I've been so sick the past few days. The day before Tommy was to leave for camp for the boys' Chrysalis, I felt it coming on. The sore throat, thumping headache.
"But maybe I can fight it off.."
Yeah, whatever. So Tommy going to serve at camp means he's gone for three days. Now there are special services almost each day, so I will normally go down there if we can afford the gas, that is.
We had three boys who were going to be attending the weekend. Boys that we've watched grow up in some cases, through the church. Boys who have taken to calling me Mama & Tommy Dad. So he was thrilled to be able to serve this weekend.
Not only that, but both our sons were also serving down there. One on the music team and one in a support team. So we had two generations serving... but then they needed another person for prayer team and asked Tommy's dad to serve. Wow... three generations serving on this one Chrysalis and there were seven other father-son/s "sets" serving.
What an awesome legacy! And what an amazing weekend it was. The precious testimonies of those boys was such a blessing! I'm excited to see what God's going to accomplish through them.
So I spent the weekend trying to fight off the inevitable bronchitis. I barely slept for coughing and trying to breathe. I made a batch of soup for a family who's father had surgery and went with another lady to take that out to them. That was Friday, the night Tommy left. Then Saturday, I left around 7am to get to the send-off ceremony at camp, taking a bowl of "Dirt Cake" that one of our boys requested. By Saturday night, I was quite a bit sicker & called in to our children's services coordinator at church to say I couldn't serve the next day. Then I got a text from camp saying the cake was all gone & the boys were clamouring for more. I hoped maybe my daughter-in-law could pick up the ingredients and bring to me after church the next day, but she had to take her siblings back home in a neighboring county, which would have made it too late to make the cake.
*sigh* So I dragged myself to the local grocery store, which is always higher so I seldom shop there. I realized once I was at the checkout that my debit card was at home, so I had to run back outside to get my checkbook. As I gathered my bags to leave, I could have sworn I stuck the checkbook in my coat pocket, but as I was struggling to get the door unlocked at home, the phone rang. It was someone from the store saying I'd left the checkbook. *siiiigh*
I dropped the bags inside the house & went straight back to the store, hurried back home to put the 'cake' together, then got in a hot tub to sweat awhile, took some more Alka Seltzer & got dressed to head to special service at camp & of course, deliver the requested food stuffs. ;)
By Monday morning I was feeling horrible.
Since I already had a check-up appointment scheduled for Tuesday, I didn't even try to get in to see the doctor on Monday. I didn't want to spend the day sitting in the waiting room and I didn't want to risk pushing myself/time to get to camp for closing ceremony & picking up of my hubby.
So by the time I made it to the doc's office, it was confirmed that I did indeed have bronchitis and not only that... a double ear infection! Go, me!! Woo!
No wonder I felt horrific all weekend! I seriously don't know how I made it through. But then again... I DO know::
Isaiah 41:10---"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Showing posts with label diabetes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label diabetes. Show all posts
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
depression...
I suffer from depression. That's kind of a lame statement to my way of thinking. Doesn't EVERYONE have moments in their lives when they feel depressed about something? Especially if you have survived the teenage years!
And I know there are different levels of depression; clinical, major, et cetera. I also have diabetes. Type I, not Type II, which are two totally different diseases, by the way. I've had it for almost 40 years. It sucks. But there it is, and I do the best I can to live, day after day, minute by minute, with this disease that has no remission.
I know people who have had transplants and now are no longer classified as diabetic, but the disease has left its mark on their bodies, not to mention they now must take anti-rejection drugs, so I'm not sure I'd be jumping up & down wanting a transplant. And of course, that leaves out the fact that MOST of the time, you are not "eligible" for a pancreas transplant unless your kidneys have failed & you need one of those too, so you see, transplantation is not the "cure" it would seem to be.
It is proven that diabetics almost across the board, suffer with major depression. Not just diabetics, but anyone with a chronic disease. And why not? Dealing with an ongoing disease, for which there is no cure and no easy treatment ought to depress anybody, right?
Even someone who is naturally upbeat and positive will succumb to depression to some degree at some point in their lives. It's just the nature of the beast.
Your body doesn't work correctly when you have diabetes. In Type II, it's "usually" because you have been overweight OR you have simply not been good to your body, feeding it a consistently unhealthy diet, and the pancreas just reaches a point where it can't go on your body no longer reacts to insulin as it should. Again, that's "usually". Sometimes people get mad when you infer that their Type II diabetes is kinda sorta their own fault and they could have avoided it had they just watched their diet and maintained a healthy weight.
And just to be perfectly honest, I get a little offended when people try to place Type II on the same playing field with Type I. For those of us with Type I, there was nothing, not one. single. thing. we could have done differently to avoid having this disease. NOTHING. Our pancreases are faulty, we don't produce any insulin in most cases, so there's no chance for us to change our lifestyle and get back to a non-diabetic state.
Type I isn't reversible, no matter what book titles you've seen in Barnes & Noble, okay? That's what happens when you confuse Type I with Type II... you get idiotic books that tell you if you'll just eat raw whole foods, you can become un-diabetic.
Whatever. It ain't gonna happen. There's not one single case.
Okay, so now that we're clear on the main difference between the two so-called "types" of diabetes, let's move on to the depression that inevitably comes along with it.
Do you realize that for a diabetic, there is not a single moment when this disease is not affecting our bodies in some way? Every morsel we put in our mouths, every half-hour we delay eating or the times we forget to eat altogether, the times we are more active than usual...or less active, the fifteen minutes we sleep in and delay that first finger prick to see how much insulin we should take, or the times we forget to take it... There is no respite from the demands of diabetes.
Most of you know, I now use an insulin pump, which is a wonderful device, acting as a sort of external pancreas, except that I must tell it what to do. The thing is this: after a few years of living like this, with this "thing", this disease constantly "in your face", so to speak, one tends to get tired.
I reach a point where I simply don't give a flip what my sugar is. That's the danger zone right there. And normally it is the precursor to a round with some pretty nasty depression.
Now, I have taken antidepressants in the past. They never caused any of the horrible side effects I've heard about on YouTube...although there were a few way back when I was first put on them that we discovered DID NOT WORK. But even when you find one that works great, they're not free, nor are they cheap.
So, when push comes to shove, or more precisely, when money gets tight, I start looking at my long list of meds to see just how many of them I can do without.
And also, I don't WANT to be dependent on anti-deps, either. Even though I know I feel better and get along better when I'm on them.
So anyway, the kind of depression that comes shortly after or maybe along with the "who gives a flip" attitude is vicious. I feel so desperately alone and useless. I know I'm not taking care of myself, and with each passing year, I know that my body can't withstand me getting into this kind of funk as well. I know I'm doing damage to my organs and shortening my life. But somehow, SOMEHOW I just don't care.
So I ask you, how do you deal with that? Once you get to the point where you KNOW that you KNOW and you still don't care? You can't seem to MAKE yourself care. How do you rebound from that? How do you climb out of a hole that dark and that deep?
I'm not sure. But I sure need to know. God help me climb out of this hole, help me to stay out of it. Show me how. Amen.
And I know there are different levels of depression; clinical, major, et cetera. I also have diabetes. Type I, not Type II, which are two totally different diseases, by the way. I've had it for almost 40 years. It sucks. But there it is, and I do the best I can to live, day after day, minute by minute, with this disease that has no remission.
I know people who have had transplants and now are no longer classified as diabetic, but the disease has left its mark on their bodies, not to mention they now must take anti-rejection drugs, so I'm not sure I'd be jumping up & down wanting a transplant. And of course, that leaves out the fact that MOST of the time, you are not "eligible" for a pancreas transplant unless your kidneys have failed & you need one of those too, so you see, transplantation is not the "cure" it would seem to be.
It is proven that diabetics almost across the board, suffer with major depression. Not just diabetics, but anyone with a chronic disease. And why not? Dealing with an ongoing disease, for which there is no cure and no easy treatment ought to depress anybody, right?
Even someone who is naturally upbeat and positive will succumb to depression to some degree at some point in their lives. It's just the nature of the beast.
Your body doesn't work correctly when you have diabetes. In Type II, it's "usually" because you have been overweight OR you have simply not been good to your body, feeding it a consistently unhealthy diet, and the pancreas just reaches a point where it can't go on your body no longer reacts to insulin as it should. Again, that's "usually". Sometimes people get mad when you infer that their Type II diabetes is kinda sorta their own fault and they could have avoided it had they just watched their diet and maintained a healthy weight.
And just to be perfectly honest, I get a little offended when people try to place Type II on the same playing field with Type I. For those of us with Type I, there was nothing, not one. single. thing. we could have done differently to avoid having this disease. NOTHING. Our pancreases are faulty, we don't produce any insulin in most cases, so there's no chance for us to change our lifestyle and get back to a non-diabetic state.
Type I isn't reversible, no matter what book titles you've seen in Barnes & Noble, okay? That's what happens when you confuse Type I with Type II... you get idiotic books that tell you if you'll just eat raw whole foods, you can become un-diabetic.
Whatever. It ain't gonna happen. There's not one single case.
Okay, so now that we're clear on the main difference between the two so-called "types" of diabetes, let's move on to the depression that inevitably comes along with it.
Do you realize that for a diabetic, there is not a single moment when this disease is not affecting our bodies in some way? Every morsel we put in our mouths, every half-hour we delay eating or the times we forget to eat altogether, the times we are more active than usual...or less active, the fifteen minutes we sleep in and delay that first finger prick to see how much insulin we should take, or the times we forget to take it... There is no respite from the demands of diabetes.
Most of you know, I now use an insulin pump, which is a wonderful device, acting as a sort of external pancreas, except that I must tell it what to do. The thing is this: after a few years of living like this, with this "thing", this disease constantly "in your face", so to speak, one tends to get tired.
I reach a point where I simply don't give a flip what my sugar is. That's the danger zone right there. And normally it is the precursor to a round with some pretty nasty depression.
Now, I have taken antidepressants in the past. They never caused any of the horrible side effects I've heard about on YouTube...although there were a few way back when I was first put on them that we discovered DID NOT WORK. But even when you find one that works great, they're not free, nor are they cheap.
So, when push comes to shove, or more precisely, when money gets tight, I start looking at my long list of meds to see just how many of them I can do without.
And also, I don't WANT to be dependent on anti-deps, either. Even though I know I feel better and get along better when I'm on them.
So anyway, the kind of depression that comes shortly after or maybe along with the "who gives a flip" attitude is vicious. I feel so desperately alone and useless. I know I'm not taking care of myself, and with each passing year, I know that my body can't withstand me getting into this kind of funk as well. I know I'm doing damage to my organs and shortening my life. But somehow, SOMEHOW I just don't care.
So I ask you, how do you deal with that? Once you get to the point where you KNOW that you KNOW and you still don't care? You can't seem to MAKE yourself care. How do you rebound from that? How do you climb out of a hole that dark and that deep?
I'm not sure. But I sure need to know. God help me climb out of this hole, help me to stay out of it. Show me how. Amen.
Friday, September 21, 2012
lows, migraines & a stroke?
So, last Friday morning, my poor daughter-in-law, Melissa, got word that her grandmother had finally passed away after a long, hard battle with cancer. She called me around 7am, but I didn't know it.
I must have answered the phone, I remember looking at it and seeing that it was Mel, but then all I remember is not knowing what to do with the phone. *sigh* My sugar was low. Thank God she called because lately, Tommy's been leaving me asleep when he goes to work!!
He tried to get me to talk to him, but I don't remember any of that. He said I was not able to communicate so he checked my sugar, which was 58. That's not very low, not low enough to affect my speech at least.
He brought me some grape juice, which I promptly drank down. I don't remember too much then til the next time he checked my sugar. I don't know if I went back to sleep or what, but the kids, Corey and Melissa, were there by this time. My sugar was up to 118, but I still couldn't put my words together and at this point, I KNEW it too.
My head was killing me at this point. The left side around my eye was just pounding and it didn't seem to ease up no matter what I did. I apparently kept complaining about it or rubbing it because someone brought me an ice pack. That helped a little but then it would get too cold and I'd have to take it off.
By the time I could understand and realize what was going on, Tommy & the kids were discussing what to do with me. *weeps* I hate when I am incapacitated like that. Feels like I'm such a failure, even if I know there's nothing I can do about it, I just feel like such a heavy burden to my family. :(
Anyhow, I was able to speak a little by now although I had to think a little harder to put my sentences together. I was really scared. And yes, they all thought I was having a stroke. They said the right side of my face was a little droopy, but I couldn't tell that it was.
I started to get up and get some clothes on to head to the hospital. I was still feeling very weak, but could talk a little better all the time. We'd about decided not to go by the time I had my shoes on, but then suddenly, I got sick & ran Corey over on my way to the bathroom to throw up.
Weird.
We went to the ER, of course. By the time I was there, my sugar was around 200. I had a horrific migraine but the sick feeling was gone and I could speak okay for the most part. It still was taking a little extra effort to choose my words, but nothing like the difficulty I'd had before.
We ended up being in the ER for about 3 hours, having blood work and a urine test and a CT scan to check for stroke.
Everything came back normal. The migraine was still as bad as ever, though. They'd given me some pathetic "migraine cocktail" that included acetaminophen, ibuprofen, benedryl and caffeine. They gave me that within about 45 minutes of my arrival and it did NOTHING for the pain. I was in tears for a good hour or so the pain was so bad.
The ER doctor asked if I took migraine meds and I told him no. I hadn't had one in a few years. So he asked what I'd taken before that worked and I told him Lortab. He, of course, didn't want to give me that. I told him I'd tried Maxalt, Midrin and Axert with no results, but the Lortab allowed me to rest and sometimes sleep off the migraine. He finally agreed to give me a dose there, but sent me home with naprosen (what a joke!) and a zithro pack for what he thought might be a sinus infection.
What a waste!! Thank God, though, the pain started easing about 30 minutes after the Lortab & by the time I got home, it was almost gone.
I still have no clue what happened to me. It was SO scary. It's been a long time since I've been unable to communicate like that, and then it was always with a much lower blood sugar than 58. I'm just thankful God brought me through it and hope & pray that I learned whatever it was He wanted to teach me.
I feel horrible knowing that Melissa was in tears when she called me and I wasn't able to comfort her. You just can't imagine how awful that feels unless you've been there.
And I hope you never are.
I must have answered the phone, I remember looking at it and seeing that it was Mel, but then all I remember is not knowing what to do with the phone. *sigh* My sugar was low. Thank God she called because lately, Tommy's been leaving me asleep when he goes to work!!
He tried to get me to talk to him, but I don't remember any of that. He said I was not able to communicate so he checked my sugar, which was 58. That's not very low, not low enough to affect my speech at least.
He brought me some grape juice, which I promptly drank down. I don't remember too much then til the next time he checked my sugar. I don't know if I went back to sleep or what, but the kids, Corey and Melissa, were there by this time. My sugar was up to 118, but I still couldn't put my words together and at this point, I KNEW it too.
My head was killing me at this point. The left side around my eye was just pounding and it didn't seem to ease up no matter what I did. I apparently kept complaining about it or rubbing it because someone brought me an ice pack. That helped a little but then it would get too cold and I'd have to take it off.
By the time I could understand and realize what was going on, Tommy & the kids were discussing what to do with me. *weeps* I hate when I am incapacitated like that. Feels like I'm such a failure, even if I know there's nothing I can do about it, I just feel like such a heavy burden to my family. :(
Anyhow, I was able to speak a little by now although I had to think a little harder to put my sentences together. I was really scared. And yes, they all thought I was having a stroke. They said the right side of my face was a little droopy, but I couldn't tell that it was.
I started to get up and get some clothes on to head to the hospital. I was still feeling very weak, but could talk a little better all the time. We'd about decided not to go by the time I had my shoes on, but then suddenly, I got sick & ran Corey over on my way to the bathroom to throw up.
Weird.
We went to the ER, of course. By the time I was there, my sugar was around 200. I had a horrific migraine but the sick feeling was gone and I could speak okay for the most part. It still was taking a little extra effort to choose my words, but nothing like the difficulty I'd had before.
We ended up being in the ER for about 3 hours, having blood work and a urine test and a CT scan to check for stroke.
Everything came back normal. The migraine was still as bad as ever, though. They'd given me some pathetic "migraine cocktail" that included acetaminophen, ibuprofen, benedryl and caffeine. They gave me that within about 45 minutes of my arrival and it did NOTHING for the pain. I was in tears for a good hour or so the pain was so bad.
The ER doctor asked if I took migraine meds and I told him no. I hadn't had one in a few years. So he asked what I'd taken before that worked and I told him Lortab. He, of course, didn't want to give me that. I told him I'd tried Maxalt, Midrin and Axert with no results, but the Lortab allowed me to rest and sometimes sleep off the migraine. He finally agreed to give me a dose there, but sent me home with naprosen (what a joke!) and a zithro pack for what he thought might be a sinus infection.
What a waste!! Thank God, though, the pain started easing about 30 minutes after the Lortab & by the time I got home, it was almost gone.
I still have no clue what happened to me. It was SO scary. It's been a long time since I've been unable to communicate like that, and then it was always with a much lower blood sugar than 58. I'm just thankful God brought me through it and hope & pray that I learned whatever it was He wanted to teach me.
I feel horrible knowing that Melissa was in tears when she called me and I wasn't able to comfort her. You just can't imagine how awful that feels unless you've been there.
And I hope you never are.
Sunday, September 9, 2012
fix your eyes upon Jesus...
I don't recall right now exactly how much I've posted here about our move almost a year ago from a very traditional church to the one we now attend. I remember it was hard. All our children and my parents went there too. Still go there, matter of fact. My dad's a deacon there.
But we felt a distinct urging to leave. So we did. And it wasn't very pretty. Dad didn't really speak to me for almost a month. It was a rough time. However, things are good now. Dad slowly realized we had not "forsaken" our Christianity or whatever. We hadn't even left "our" denomination. Just traded in what to us was discouraging church for one that was so alive and totally focused on Jesus and people.
So anyway, now we have some friends who are going through the same thing. They've been coming to our church for a few weeks and not their families, but their church is responding in such an ugly way!! It breaks my heart to see my friends going through this. From being hung up on by the pastor to having someone come by their house and taking the church van without so much as a by-your-leave.
How sad to see a church, of all people, reacting this way. Don't they see it's not about them?? Can't they realize that sometimes God calls us to other places and other duties?
*sigh*
So, in other news, Tommy's been gone since Friday morning. He is serving on a REC (Residents Encounter Christ - an Emmaus style weekend for those who are incarcerated) at a prison. I'm so anxious to see him this evening and hear how it all went.
I have been asked to serve on the next Women's Walk at the camp in a few weeks. I wanted to let the lay director know that while I was back up and walking, I wasn't nearly at 100% with my foot and needed to be put somewhere I wouldn't be on them so much.
Then I found out I had been assigned to the kitchen! Egads! I couldn't believe it since I had emailed to let her know, and THEN at the first organizational meeting, she gets up and says that she'd had to turn people away from helping and she'd prayed about where to put people. I felt HORRIBLE for saying anything about not wanting to serve in the kitchen because of my foot. But... *sigh*... I did.
While the skin graft has taken and the foot is healing well, it's still extremely tender. I've accidentally touched it with one of those foot sanding blocks and it bled like crazy. I can't imagine having my feet swell up like they usually do if I'm on them for extended periods. I just didn't want to risk that. So, I spoke with the LD and she ended up telling me she didn't really have another spot for me, but maybe I could tag-team with someone else on the prayer team "or something".
*siiigh* I really hate feeling like someone's having to make a job for me to do. Hate feeling like I'm not pulling my weight. Hate feeling awkwardly out of place...
Once I got home, I emailed the LD, telling her I really appreciated her calling me and I hated that I could not serve where she needed me, but if she had folks who'd volunteered but she'd had to turn down, that I'd be thrilled if she would allow them to serve in my place. I said that I didn't want her having to create something for me to do when she had people who were willing and able to serve. I told her she would not hurt my feelings one bit if she did that and that I hoped to work with her sometime in the future.
I didn't think anything of it when I got no reply since I hadn't the first time either & knowing she's so busy! I figured I'd just go to the next meeting if I hadn't heard from her and see what she had to say then. But then I got a phone call.
It was the LD saying she really appreciated my email, appreciated that I was willing to step down and give my spot to someone else. She said most people wouldn't have done that and she appreciated the offer. ...but she didn't want to accept it. She said she needed people with a heart for service (aw!) and a willing spirit and there always ended up being a job with no worker and she wanted me on her team.
Wow. If that wasn't a confirmation for me to be on this walk, I don't know what is!! I seriously never had any of those thoughts about myself. I'm a pretty selfish person, matter of fact. And I do hate feeling as if I'm being a drain on a team if I can't do what's needed of me. I feel like such a louse for ever saying, "Well, I DO have diabetes, so I might have a problem doing this or that" so I usually don't say it. I mean, do you realize how lame that sounds when you say it out loud? I DO usually tell people because it sounds much lamer when you're in the middle of a low blood sugar and you can't even talk properly or you don't realize you're having a low til you're in the middle of some important task. Then of course, you can't finish said task OR tell anyone why.
*sigh* Have I mentioned that diabetes kinda sucks? Oh... well, never mind then.
Anyway, I love being able to serve on these walks, but I feel so inadequate in so many ways. Spiritually, physically.... I'm just thankful God doesn't call the equipped but He equips the called.
Hallelujah!
But we felt a distinct urging to leave. So we did. And it wasn't very pretty. Dad didn't really speak to me for almost a month. It was a rough time. However, things are good now. Dad slowly realized we had not "forsaken" our Christianity or whatever. We hadn't even left "our" denomination. Just traded in what to us was discouraging church for one that was so alive and totally focused on Jesus and people.
So anyway, now we have some friends who are going through the same thing. They've been coming to our church for a few weeks and not their families, but their church is responding in such an ugly way!! It breaks my heart to see my friends going through this. From being hung up on by the pastor to having someone come by their house and taking the church van without so much as a by-your-leave.
How sad to see a church, of all people, reacting this way. Don't they see it's not about them?? Can't they realize that sometimes God calls us to other places and other duties?
*sigh*
So, in other news, Tommy's been gone since Friday morning. He is serving on a REC (Residents Encounter Christ - an Emmaus style weekend for those who are incarcerated) at a prison. I'm so anxious to see him this evening and hear how it all went.
I have been asked to serve on the next Women's Walk at the camp in a few weeks. I wanted to let the lay director know that while I was back up and walking, I wasn't nearly at 100% with my foot and needed to be put somewhere I wouldn't be on them so much.
Then I found out I had been assigned to the kitchen! Egads! I couldn't believe it since I had emailed to let her know, and THEN at the first organizational meeting, she gets up and says that she'd had to turn people away from helping and she'd prayed about where to put people. I felt HORRIBLE for saying anything about not wanting to serve in the kitchen because of my foot. But... *sigh*... I did.
While the skin graft has taken and the foot is healing well, it's still extremely tender. I've accidentally touched it with one of those foot sanding blocks and it bled like crazy. I can't imagine having my feet swell up like they usually do if I'm on them for extended periods. I just didn't want to risk that. So, I spoke with the LD and she ended up telling me she didn't really have another spot for me, but maybe I could tag-team with someone else on the prayer team "or something".
*siiigh* I really hate feeling like someone's having to make a job for me to do. Hate feeling like I'm not pulling my weight. Hate feeling awkwardly out of place...
Once I got home, I emailed the LD, telling her I really appreciated her calling me and I hated that I could not serve where she needed me, but if she had folks who'd volunteered but she'd had to turn down, that I'd be thrilled if she would allow them to serve in my place. I said that I didn't want her having to create something for me to do when she had people who were willing and able to serve. I told her she would not hurt my feelings one bit if she did that and that I hoped to work with her sometime in the future.
I didn't think anything of it when I got no reply since I hadn't the first time either & knowing she's so busy! I figured I'd just go to the next meeting if I hadn't heard from her and see what she had to say then. But then I got a phone call.
It was the LD saying she really appreciated my email, appreciated that I was willing to step down and give my spot to someone else. She said most people wouldn't have done that and she appreciated the offer. ...but she didn't want to accept it. She said she needed people with a heart for service (aw!) and a willing spirit and there always ended up being a job with no worker and she wanted me on her team.
Wow. If that wasn't a confirmation for me to be on this walk, I don't know what is!! I seriously never had any of those thoughts about myself. I'm a pretty selfish person, matter of fact. And I do hate feeling as if I'm being a drain on a team if I can't do what's needed of me. I feel like such a louse for ever saying, "Well, I DO have diabetes, so I might have a problem doing this or that" so I usually don't say it. I mean, do you realize how lame that sounds when you say it out loud? I DO usually tell people because it sounds much lamer when you're in the middle of a low blood sugar and you can't even talk properly or you don't realize you're having a low til you're in the middle of some important task. Then of course, you can't finish said task OR tell anyone why.
*sigh* Have I mentioned that diabetes kinda sucks? Oh... well, never mind then.
Anyway, I love being able to serve on these walks, but I feel so inadequate in so many ways. Spiritually, physically.... I'm just thankful God doesn't call the equipped but He equips the called.
Hallelujah!
Thursday, November 24, 2011
thankful...
Y'know, my family in general is pretty dysfunctional. Of course, most of us feel that way, I realize.
My family's dysfunction is mainly just bickering. And not always "actual" disagreement or backbiting. It's kinda the way we communicate. My husband was so put off by this the first few times he encountered it, and then it took a long time before he ever gave voice to it. It just really bothered him to hear my parents pick at each other the way they do. Even though they've never really 'fought' the way you think of most couples fighting.
So today's Thanksgiving. How many, MANY things we have to be thankful for! In spite of the health issues my sister and I both have, and Mom's more recent dwindling health, we are all pretty healthy. For having had seizures since she was three, my sister does very well. For having had diabetes for going on 40 years now, I am in quite good health when compared to a lot of other people in the same situation. My mother's dwindling health is most likely from her pushing herself so hard for so many years and the fact that she's getting older now.
My eldest, Corey, and his wife, married going on four years now, are doing so well. They love each other more than ever, if that's even possible. *smile* Our youngest, Casey, had a serious accident on our four-wheeler about 2 weeks ago and now, unbelievably, is almost healed! He could have been hurt SO much worse than he was or killed given that the vehicle rolled over on his face and head. But God's been with him and with us every. step. of the. way.
SO much to be thankful for.
And today, it seemed that even though during the time I was at Mom and Dad's this morning, making the dumplings, and they were at each other same as always... by dinner time, there was a different attitude between them and there was none of the usual bickering.
God's good, people. God is so extremely good.
Hope you've all had a wonderful Thanksgiving as well.
God bless you!
G~
My family's dysfunction is mainly just bickering. And not always "actual" disagreement or backbiting. It's kinda the way we communicate. My husband was so put off by this the first few times he encountered it, and then it took a long time before he ever gave voice to it. It just really bothered him to hear my parents pick at each other the way they do. Even though they've never really 'fought' the way you think of most couples fighting.
So today's Thanksgiving. How many, MANY things we have to be thankful for! In spite of the health issues my sister and I both have, and Mom's more recent dwindling health, we are all pretty healthy. For having had seizures since she was three, my sister does very well. For having had diabetes for going on 40 years now, I am in quite good health when compared to a lot of other people in the same situation. My mother's dwindling health is most likely from her pushing herself so hard for so many years and the fact that she's getting older now.
My eldest, Corey, and his wife, married going on four years now, are doing so well. They love each other more than ever, if that's even possible. *smile* Our youngest, Casey, had a serious accident on our four-wheeler about 2 weeks ago and now, unbelievably, is almost healed! He could have been hurt SO much worse than he was or killed given that the vehicle rolled over on his face and head. But God's been with him and with us every. step. of the. way.
SO much to be thankful for.
And today, it seemed that even though during the time I was at Mom and Dad's this morning, making the dumplings, and they were at each other same as always... by dinner time, there was a different attitude between them and there was none of the usual bickering.
God's good, people. God is so extremely good.
Hope you've all had a wonderful Thanksgiving as well.
God bless you!
G~
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
miscellaneous & sundry...
... just to forewarn you that this post has no discernible direction as yet. ;) Just wanted to update you, you being me, because best I can tell, not a soul has looked at this blog. *shrugs* And that's okay. As much as I'd love some interaction, some comments, some VIEW numbers besides my own (LOL!) I'm content to just ease back into a sorta journaling with a blog again. It's amazing how rusty I am after years of NOT keeping up a blog! ANYhow... for the update...
I been sick. *cough cough* No, really. I have. I finally got sick of waiting for this awful yeast infection to go away. I'm not talking "internal" here, y'all, lest you get all uncomfortable & squirmy. ;) As bad as that kind is, this is outside, right where my legs attach to my *whispering* groin.... Awful, bumpy, stinging, itchy rash. ARGH! I thought it was probably from my sugars going up and down since I'd been painting & stuff. Any time I do something like that, especially after being a spud for so long, my sugars will drop, then I'll end up bouncing it too high. The lows I've had lately have been in the 30's, and they've been the panicky, sweaty, shaky kind that I don't realize are coming on til, *BAM*, there it is, full on hypoglycemia! So when I have a low like that, I always get ravenous afterward and the panicky part makes me overreact and "over correct", which then bounces me up too high. Too-high sugars can trigger a yeast infection, since yeast loves sugar & all. *sigh*
I had been using Nystatin cream, which should have cleared it up, but it didn't. Plus I had had that awful, hacking asthma-cough thing I get occasionally. It had hung on, coming in spells, for about 2 weeks. I finally broke down & went to the doctor.
Besides, it's time I get my flu shot AND I needed to have him write me a prescription for brand name Wellbutrin. Long story there, maybe in another post... So he asks if I've had a fever, sore throat, etc... nope. Just the cough & my albuterol inhaler wasn't helping at all. He asked if my ears were hurting. Nope. Just the cough, okay?! Then he looks in my ears and in that strange Indian way he has of making faces and comments says, "Odd." Well, I KNEW that wasn't good. He says, "I can't believe your ears aren't hurting."..*trails off* Um... uhkay. WHY? "Because you have a bad infection in both of them." Hmph! Who knew? I told him it was probably because I'd had a constant headache for several weeks and couldn't feel the ear pain because of that. Ha.
So, that was probably why I had the yeast infection because infection can jack up my sugars, which then feeds the yeast, et cetera, et cetera... No wonder I've been feeling like crap! But instead of giving me Diflucan, which is what I normally take when I have a mega-yeast infection that doesn't respond to OTC remedies, he gave me a powder form of the Nystatin saying that way the yeast doesn't also have moisture to thrive in. Urgh. I didn't know this is what he'd done til I got to the pharmacy since he sent the prescriptions via computer and I didn't get to look at them. Otherwise I'd have asked for the Diflucan right then. Any time I take antibiotics, I end up with a yeast infection, too, so starting out with one just wasn't good.
But I waited. That was last Friday, so I tried the powder all weekend, not really seeing any signs of improvement. Needless to say, Monday, I called and asked for the Diflucan. He ordered me seven of them. (Normal dose is one and for "normal" people, that usually wipes the infection out.) ... (of course, you realize by now, *I* am decidedly NOT normal..)
I got the stuff yesterday, have now taken three doses and have yet to see any improvement. I should have called him back Friday for the Diflucan, but by the time he was done with my appointment, the office was already closed. GAH!
And so, I've never had the first bit of pain in my ears, either. Which I find extremely weird, although when I had the SJS in 1994 it started with an ear infection, fiddling around for a couple weeks with about 4 antibiotics trying to cure it and then I had the reaction. *sigh*
So anyhow, I go back for a recheck day after tomorrow. Lord willing, that'll all be better and I can go ahead & get my flu shot over with.
I'm still not done with the small bedroom. Matter of fact, I haven't even touched it since I went to the doctor last week! I think I may go in there and get back to painting that trim. I wish Tommy would go ahead and take the carpet out so that I can get to the very bottom of the trim. He's talking about doing wood flooring in there, since he got so much practice doing it at his friend's house. I don't want to have to sand & repaint because there are carpet marks all over the trim! NOTE TO SELF: MAKE Tommy take the carpet up tonight! *heh*
Alrighty, I need to get busy, so take care & God bless!!
G~
I been sick. *cough cough* No, really. I have. I finally got sick of waiting for this awful yeast infection to go away. I'm not talking "internal" here, y'all, lest you get all uncomfortable & squirmy. ;) As bad as that kind is, this is outside, right where my legs attach to my *whispering* groin.... Awful, bumpy, stinging, itchy rash. ARGH! I thought it was probably from my sugars going up and down since I'd been painting & stuff. Any time I do something like that, especially after being a spud for so long, my sugars will drop, then I'll end up bouncing it too high. The lows I've had lately have been in the 30's, and they've been the panicky, sweaty, shaky kind that I don't realize are coming on til, *BAM*, there it is, full on hypoglycemia! So when I have a low like that, I always get ravenous afterward and the panicky part makes me overreact and "over correct", which then bounces me up too high. Too-high sugars can trigger a yeast infection, since yeast loves sugar & all. *sigh*
I had been using Nystatin cream, which should have cleared it up, but it didn't. Plus I had had that awful, hacking asthma-cough thing I get occasionally. It had hung on, coming in spells, for about 2 weeks. I finally broke down & went to the doctor.
Besides, it's time I get my flu shot AND I needed to have him write me a prescription for brand name Wellbutrin. Long story there, maybe in another post... So he asks if I've had a fever, sore throat, etc... nope. Just the cough & my albuterol inhaler wasn't helping at all. He asked if my ears were hurting. Nope. Just the cough, okay?! Then he looks in my ears and in that strange Indian way he has of making faces and comments says, "Odd." Well, I KNEW that wasn't good. He says, "I can't believe your ears aren't hurting."..*trails off* Um... uhkay. WHY? "Because you have a bad infection in both of them." Hmph! Who knew? I told him it was probably because I'd had a constant headache for several weeks and couldn't feel the ear pain because of that. Ha.
So, that was probably why I had the yeast infection because infection can jack up my sugars, which then feeds the yeast, et cetera, et cetera... No wonder I've been feeling like crap! But instead of giving me Diflucan, which is what I normally take when I have a mega-yeast infection that doesn't respond to OTC remedies, he gave me a powder form of the Nystatin saying that way the yeast doesn't also have moisture to thrive in. Urgh. I didn't know this is what he'd done til I got to the pharmacy since he sent the prescriptions via computer and I didn't get to look at them. Otherwise I'd have asked for the Diflucan right then. Any time I take antibiotics, I end up with a yeast infection, too, so starting out with one just wasn't good.
But I waited. That was last Friday, so I tried the powder all weekend, not really seeing any signs of improvement. Needless to say, Monday, I called and asked for the Diflucan. He ordered me seven of them. (Normal dose is one and for "normal" people, that usually wipes the infection out.) ... (of course, you realize by now, *I* am decidedly NOT normal..)
I got the stuff yesterday, have now taken three doses and have yet to see any improvement. I should have called him back Friday for the Diflucan, but by the time he was done with my appointment, the office was already closed. GAH!
And so, I've never had the first bit of pain in my ears, either. Which I find extremely weird, although when I had the SJS in 1994 it started with an ear infection, fiddling around for a couple weeks with about 4 antibiotics trying to cure it and then I had the reaction. *sigh*
So anyhow, I go back for a recheck day after tomorrow. Lord willing, that'll all be better and I can go ahead & get my flu shot over with.
I'm still not done with the small bedroom. Matter of fact, I haven't even touched it since I went to the doctor last week! I think I may go in there and get back to painting that trim. I wish Tommy would go ahead and take the carpet out so that I can get to the very bottom of the trim. He's talking about doing wood flooring in there, since he got so much practice doing it at his friend's house. I don't want to have to sand & repaint because there are carpet marks all over the trim! NOTE TO SELF: MAKE Tommy take the carpet up tonight! *heh*
Alrighty, I need to get busy, so take care & God bless!!
G~
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Gettin' into The Big D...
Don't get all excited. I'm talking about diabetes. Lately, I've been reading a lot of "diabetes" themed blogs and finding it all very interesting.
I've never been really "into" (for lack of a better word) any kind of diabetes group/diabetic club thing. I've never had another person close to my age who also had diabetes for a friend other than that one time I went to a diabetes camp when I was about 9 and was traumatized to be so far away from home. I did make a very nice friend there. But again, I was only 9 and she lived ... well, I dunno where she lived because the camp took kids from all over the state. At that age, and long before the internet-connectivity that we have now, we never gave a thought to trying to keep in touch, so I have lost Erin Idontknowherlastnameeither and relegated her to fond memories from a less-than-fun experience at camp. I hope she's thriving, wherever she is.
I've never been terribly self-conscious about telling people I have diabetes. All through school, people would forget I had it til I happened to mention it or I had a bad low blood sugar in front of them. I like telling people about diabetes, helping them understand it better, but there are always "those people" you wish you hadn't told or didn't have to tell.
There are the Big Deal people who, because Aunt Petunia on her daddy's side had sugar die-beeteez and they know exactly what to do should you, you know, pass out or something. And you get the feeling that it's in your best interest NOT to EVER do that around this person because you might wake up with a new scar or something. Just sayin'...
Then there are the All Out Panic people who start hyperventilating as if you've just told them that in 10 seconds, your head is going to explode and they'll have to put it all back together blindfolded with one hand tied behind their back OR ELSE. Sheesh! CALM DOWN, wouldja? I just like for people to be informed!
There's the I Know Somebody Who Died From That people. These are really awful people sometimes. They're like the women who sit in the OB's office telling every possible horror story to all the first-time moms. They live for opportunities to scare the beejeebers outta someone by exaggerating. OR they are just genuinely so ignorant that they don't realize how totally rude it is. As a fellow online diabetical person said, they would never go up to someone with cancer & say, "Hey, I know somebody who died from that!" I mean, c'MON!
Then you have the Diabetes Police types who will never EVER forget you have it and will comment on every single choice you make, especially when it comes to food. They will say, in that totally annoying tone of voice, "Do you think you should be eating that?" or worse, they will TELL you, "You shouldn't eat that." As if their mere knowledge that you have diabetes automatically makes them qualified to pass judgements on what you do. These are by far the worst of the worst on the diabetic-annoyance scale.
And last, there are the What Did You Do Wrong folks. Now these people are a little different in that #1- a lot of times they are your family members and #2- sometimes they are even your doctor or endocrinologist/diabetes specialist. They KNOW a lot of stuff about diabetes. They know you fairly well in most cases. However, when it comes to realizing that the unexpected still happens, EVEN when you try to maintain as much control as we diabetics do, they just don't get it. Far from it! Just as it's quite easy for anyone to catch a cold, no matter how hard they try not to, it's just a simple for things to go haywire with diabetes control. Sometimes, despite our best efforts, our sugar's gonna spike or bottom out, whether we bolused or checked & rechecked our sugar. Sometimes you simply cannot explain why things go wonky with diabetes. It's just the nature of the beast.
So.. there wasn't much of a purpose to this post other than watching Ginger's vlog made me start thinking about this stuff because I was like, amening her the whole time! ;) Sometimes I forget there are other people out there who deal with the same things I do and it's SO nice to be reminded I'm not really as alone as I usually feel.
Maybe this will be the beginning of more thoughtful posts on living with diabetes 24/7/365 and in turn, help me stay in better control.
Thanks for reading!
G~
I've never been really "into" (for lack of a better word) any kind of diabetes group/diabetic club thing. I've never had another person close to my age who also had diabetes for a friend other than that one time I went to a diabetes camp when I was about 9 and was traumatized to be so far away from home. I did make a very nice friend there. But again, I was only 9 and she lived ... well, I dunno where she lived because the camp took kids from all over the state. At that age, and long before the internet-connectivity that we have now, we never gave a thought to trying to keep in touch, so I have lost Erin Idontknowherlastnameeither and relegated her to fond memories from a less-than-fun experience at camp. I hope she's thriving, wherever she is.
I've never been terribly self-conscious about telling people I have diabetes. All through school, people would forget I had it til I happened to mention it or I had a bad low blood sugar in front of them. I like telling people about diabetes, helping them understand it better, but there are always "those people" you wish you hadn't told or didn't have to tell.
There are the Big Deal people who, because Aunt Petunia on her daddy's side had sugar die-beeteez and they know exactly what to do should you, you know, pass out or something. And you get the feeling that it's in your best interest NOT to EVER do that around this person because you might wake up with a new scar or something. Just sayin'...
Then there are the All Out Panic people who start hyperventilating as if you've just told them that in 10 seconds, your head is going to explode and they'll have to put it all back together blindfolded with one hand tied behind their back OR ELSE. Sheesh! CALM DOWN, wouldja? I just like for people to be informed!
There's the I Know Somebody Who Died From That people. These are really awful people sometimes. They're like the women who sit in the OB's office telling every possible horror story to all the first-time moms. They live for opportunities to scare the beejeebers outta someone by exaggerating. OR they are just genuinely so ignorant that they don't realize how totally rude it is. As a fellow online diabetical person said, they would never go up to someone with cancer & say, "Hey, I know somebody who died from that!" I mean, c'MON!
Then you have the Diabetes Police types who will never EVER forget you have it and will comment on every single choice you make, especially when it comes to food. They will say, in that totally annoying tone of voice, "Do you think you should be eating that?" or worse, they will TELL you, "You shouldn't eat that." As if their mere knowledge that you have diabetes automatically makes them qualified to pass judgements on what you do. These are by far the worst of the worst on the diabetic-annoyance scale.
And last, there are the What Did You Do Wrong folks. Now these people are a little different in that #1- a lot of times they are your family members and #2- sometimes they are even your doctor or endocrinologist/diabetes specialist. They KNOW a lot of stuff about diabetes. They know you fairly well in most cases. However, when it comes to realizing that the unexpected still happens, EVEN when you try to maintain as much control as we diabetics do, they just don't get it. Far from it! Just as it's quite easy for anyone to catch a cold, no matter how hard they try not to, it's just a simple for things to go haywire with diabetes control. Sometimes, despite our best efforts, our sugar's gonna spike or bottom out, whether we bolused or checked & rechecked our sugar. Sometimes you simply cannot explain why things go wonky with diabetes. It's just the nature of the beast.
So.. there wasn't much of a purpose to this post other than watching Ginger's vlog made me start thinking about this stuff because I was like, amening her the whole time! ;) Sometimes I forget there are other people out there who deal with the same things I do and it's SO nice to be reminded I'm not really as alone as I usually feel.
Maybe this will be the beginning of more thoughtful posts on living with diabetes 24/7/365 and in turn, help me stay in better control.
Thanks for reading!
G~
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