digging out...

Wow... it's been SO long since I had a blog with, well, with lots of things. Like regular posts, fancy gadgets, um, readers!

I don't quite know what to do with myself. But I do want to say THANK YOU for the wonderful, encouraging comments. You don't know how much they've done for me. :)

Back on the topic of depression... the last couple of days, I've been able to get up several hours earlier. That's a step in the right direction. I wasn't this specific before, but I have been sleeping like 14-18 hours, y'all. Yeah, HOURS. I just could NOT make myself get out of bed, other than slogging through the room to let Tucker in and out, and a trip to the bathroom, I was sacked out sleeping like a dead woman. Totally zonked and just UNable to make myself wake up.

Of course that meant I was also missing my morning meds, which includes a huge dose of thyroid (duh, the metabolism regulating hormone?!) I was diagnosed with Grave's Disease back in 1999, and since my heart rate was near 190, I was immediately put on beta blockers, had to stop breastfeeding my baby (my second & last child) and was sent to an endocrinologist for further treatment of the Grave's. The nurses there kept telling me how much better I was going to feel once they got this under control. I'd quit feeling SO tired and stop being perpetually "too hot" & sweating ALL the time and I'd have SO much MORE energy.

Yeah. Whatever. It didn't happen like that AT ALL!! The endo decided a radioactive iodine treatment, or I-131, was the best way to go. Sounds creepy, I know and I wish in the worst way that I'd had the wisdom to seek a second opinion back then, I was just SO eager to start feeling better!! I never gave it a thought and forged ahead.

ANYhow... after the I-131 treatment, my thyroid production was not decreased, but it CEASED. I mean, it went from about 5x above normal to almost immeasurable... hovering barely above zero!! I could tell the endo wasn't expecting that & definitely not so suddenly. I was to have a blood draw at my regular doc's instead of driving to Lexington to the edno's office, and the results sent to him two weeks after the treatment. They called & wanted me up there pronto once they got those results & instead of the usual month or more before going on thyroid replacement meds, I was on them in two weeks. And a high dose of them, too.

Even now, if I have to go to a different pharmacy than my usual one (where my sweet cousin is the druggist!) they always question my dosage of thyroid. It's more than double what is considered "normal". *sigh* Yeah, so ... I dunno if the endo over-dosed me with the radioiodine or if my body just really needed more thyroid than most, but anyhow, now I have a very sluggish metabolism and missing my thyroid meds is NOT a good thing. I know that's just added to my lethargy but if I don't take that by noon, I am not supposed to take it. It is affected by dosage timing, so... if I miss that rather large window of opportunity, I just miss out for the day. I know, I KNOW... alarm clock. But see, you act as though you're talking to a practical, functional person... and when I'm this deep in a depression...you're just NOT, okay?

So, yeah, I had been up and sorta going while it was still morning the last few days. I've worked on a project I have coming up for our Emmaus Community. I even went to a reunion group meeting last Thursday. And do you know, I mean THIS is how good God is, there were two ladies there that I hadn't met before. One of them sat right across the table from me. And when I shared that my biggest struggle was & had been this debilitating depression, SHE TOUCHED MY ARM & SAID, "I've been going through the same thing. I know exactly what you're talking about." And she really did, too. We talked a little more about how destructive depression can be and how hard it is to 'make it' make sense to someone who's never experienced it.

See how God looks after me? :) He's awesome like that and I really needed the reminder that He's always there for me.

Today, I got out of the house and ran around Lexington with my hubby and kids. We did not one single solitary thing that could possibly be construed as constructive or productive. But it was good for me. I walked and walked around in the mall with Melissa. I enjoyed good meals with her, Tommy, both my sons and one "adopted" son, a friend of theirs from church. I laughed my head off at their snowball fights in restaurant parking lots and monkey calls in the middle of department stores.

I may not have accomplished a thing, but I feel blessed, and I feel hopeful. And folks, it's been way too long since I felt a glimmer of hope.

Life is good, just like the God Who gives it.

Blessings...